


Tumbling

by Connan



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Anime Canon, Family, Friendship, Gen, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Mourning, Parental Death, canon parental death, well sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-06-30 14:03:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19854718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Connan/pseuds/Connan
Summary: Just as he finished cleaning chores late at school, Takashi stumbles upon Sasada. And she seems to be in an especially bad mood this evening...





	Tumbling

**Author's Note:**

> This came from the fact that I’ll forever be bitter that the anime decided to keep Sasada around only for her to be almost some sort of decoration in the background. I mean, come on, show. There was so much you could have done with her!
> 
> More specifically, I was sad she never get to have… kind of a meaningful moment with Natsume, given their similar family situation. I don’t even think the anime mention that both of her parents are dead and that she’s living with her stepfamily...
> 
> On another note, English’s not my mother tongue and this is the first time I write an entire story in this language, so please forgive the grammar errors if there are any!
> 
> Content Warning: Talk of grief and parental death. Uh, maybe vague allusions of past child abuse/neglect too I guess?

After class school always had a strange atmosphere about it. When all the students along with teachers had left, and that the entire building was basked in the soft orange color of the sunset, without a single sound to disturb its grounds. It was quiet, warm, pleasant — eerily so. It almost seemed like the school of the day and the school of the evening were completely different, separate worlds.

Takashi loved silent and tranquil places — always had. Places where there was no people, no noise; where he could relax and act as he pleased without the fear of being watched and judged.

However, even quiet spots were not completely worry-free for him. Because it was specifically in locations where there were no people — no _human_ — that _they_ tended to show up. And after class school was no exception.

Which is why, as he finished cleaning the empty classroom, he couldn’t help but throw suspicious glances here and there, assuring himself that no unwanted intruders had come in. He had only seen about ten of them since this morning; inoffensive little ones who just passed by the window or ran along the corridor before quickly disappearing. Takashi didn’t mind these — he had learned by now to not let himself be distracted by such innocuous creatures.

What he minded was obviously the aggressive, violent ones, who came to attack him all while often claiming the old treasure of his late grandmother. But this week had been rather peaceful. No one had even come to see him to reclaim their names, which seemed… dubious, to say the least — and that’s why it was impossible for him now to not be on edge.

Nyanko-sensei had told him to “stop worrying so much about it,” that it was “no big deal,” but his bodyguard was the laziest cat on the planet and he wasn’t with him at school either, so Takashi couldn’t really follow his advices.

The boy stopped wiping the blackboard, then sighed and looked around the classroom. It didn’t seem like there was anything left to do.

_I should hurry up and go home then. I don’t want to be late and make Touko worry._

Although he wasn’t really supposed to go home early today. He had planned to hang out with Nishimura and Kitamoto in town, but Tsuji had swiftly reminded him that he was of chores duty today. This had completely slipped from his mind. Nishimura had then almost thrown a tantrum (“That's unfair! Natsume has to come! Who cares about stuff like that anyway?”) but Takashi couldn’t possibly just skip chores like that, so after some insistence and gentle scolding from Kitamoto, his friend had let it go and the both of them had left school.

Tanuma had to quickly go home to help his father today, and Taki exceptionally finished her classes two hours earlier, so Takashi was definitely all alone this evening. And now that he thought about it… this had become really rare nowadays. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had been alone at school or on his way home. Even forgetting about chores was something that had never happened before…

A small smile unconsciously sprouted on his face as he gathered his belongings. His bag in hand, he headed toward the closed door. Nevertheless, just as he gripped the handle and opened it, a high-pitched scream made him jump.

His mind instantly thinking it was a youkai, Takashi tensed up and readied himself to be welcomed with anything… however, what was in front of him wasn’t some strange creature, but a familiar young girl, brown hair all over the face and glasses slipping from her nose as a whole bunch of paper sheets fluttered like butterflies all around her.

“Ah, _great_! I needed just that.”

“S— Sasada…?”

“Oh… It’s you, Natsume…”

Sasada, with her hands still trembling a little from the shock, let out a relieved sigh. “You scared me. I thought there was no one here anymore.”

There was a clear irritation in her voice, which made Takashi falter a little. He knows that this was how Sasada was, and that it wasn’t a frustration specifically directed _at him_ , but he couldn't get rid of this knee-jerk reaction of being scared to annoy people.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you…”

“It’s fine.”

The girl replied dryly and then crouched down to retrieve the scattered pages. Takashi, feeling a bit awkward, imitated her, and they both gathered the sheets in silence. When finally he handed her the last one, Sasada let out a sigh and pushed her glasses up on her nose.

“You’re, uh, you’re staying late,” Takashi blurted out without thinking much.

“What? Oh, yes. Mr. Nomiya asked me to do some extra work, so…”

“Ah, I see… Class rep sounds like hard work, huh…”

“Well, yeah, it comes with the job.”

Sasada had always been a very zealous, brilliant student, and it was obvious she was taking her role as class representative at heart. Takashi admired her for that. Having that much work and responsibility didn’t sound like something he would be able to handle…

“What about you, Natsume? Why are you still here?” She asked.

“Oh, it's nothing, I was just of chores duty today.”

“Ah… I see…”

“Though I just finished. I was going to go home.”

“Yes, it’s going to be dark soon. You shouldn’t worry the Fujiwaras. Good evening then, Natsume. And don’t forget about the English homework tomorrow.”

All while speaking in a cutting and hurried voice, Sasada entered the classroom without even glancing at Takashi and headed towards the teacher’s desk. As if she wanted to really quickly end their interaction.

Her surly attitude surprised him. Sasada had always been kind of sharp and ruthless, but tonight she seemed especially… harsh. Aggravated.

While a minute ago Takashi intended to just head home straight without detours, this made him hesitate. His first reflex was to just ignore that, not say anything and do as planned. After all, even if Sasada _truly_ was in a bad mood, it was none of his business. He didn’t want to seem like a nosy person and exasperate her even more.

But, on the other hand… Sasada _was_ his friend. Wasn’t she? And friends should do things like, check on each other, and stuff… Takashi wasn’t _very_ experienced in having friends, but he knew that much. And he _was_ worried about her. He felt if he just went home now without asking her if she was all right, he would regret it later on.

He sighed, then, still feeling uncertain and a bit shy, turned around.

“Um… Sasada?”

The girl, a little startled, looked at him with wide eyes. She hadn’t expected him to still be here, manifestly.

“Uh, yes?”

“I… er…”

Sasada’s gaze felt a little bit intimidating, and Takashi began fidgeting while trying to find the right words.

“Are you… okay?” Was what he ended up asking — which, in all honesty, was not the most eloquent question he could have found.

“I— I’m sorry, what?”

“I mean, uh… you seem… to not be in a good mood. So I was wondering if everything was okay…”

“Of course I’m okay.” Her answer was pointed and trenchant. It had clearly been told in a tone that meant she didn’t want to pursue the subject any further…

But now that he had made the effort to ask, Takashi couldn’t just leave it at that.

“Are you sure? I… don’t want to sound pushy or anything, but if you have some… problems, you can talk to me."

Sasada first looked surprised. Then she stared at him, crossed her arms, and raised an eyebrow. “I said I was fine. You don’t need to worry about me. Just… hurry up and go home.”

“Um… but, uh—”

“Natsume, I know you mean well, but with all due respect, I _really_ do not want to talk about it.”

She had raised her voice, and the sharpness of her tone had morphed into something dangerously close to anger. Takashi vacillated. Sasada often got angry — whenever a classmate wouldn’t give back a homework in time, or that Nishimura would do something stupid — but it never was _that kind_ of angry. This disarmed him completely. Takashi had no problems dealing with angry youkais — those were simple to understand, most of the time. But angry _humans_ were something else entirely. Angry humans were unpredictable. Nonsensical. They were not something he knows how to deal with.

Thankfully, it seemed that Sasada’s anger wouldn’t last long. As soon as she saw Takashi's expression decompose, a guilty look spread on her face. She hid her head in her hands and let out a heavy sigh.

“I… I’m sorry,” she said in a whisper. “I didn’t mean… to say that.”

“N-No, that’s okay… I mean…”

An unpleasant silence got between them. Only some singing birds from outside broke the quietness of the room — which Takashi was grateful for, even if it wasn't enough to scatter away the ambient queasiness. He had honestly no idea what to do. He wasn’t socially experienced enough to know how to act, what to say in those kinds of situations…

But it seemed that neither did Sasada, because all she could do was stare at the floor uncomfortably. Which was... odd, because she usually never was the shy or socially awkward type. Jun Sasada was always confident, bossy and amiable. She had been elected as their class representative without much competitiveness because the other students knew she was the most competent and perfect for the role. And yet, here she was, just keeping quiet. Not even able to sustain Takashi's gaze.

So… maybe that meant... that he should be the one to talk first, after all. He felt extremely inapt and iffy, his heart in his chest beating way too quickly and loudly, but he couldn’t just continue to not say anything.

“I was just worried about you… because, well…” He paused. Hesitated. Then, finally, added in a small voice: “We are friends… right?”

Sasada finally raised her gaze from the floor and looked at Takashi. For a few long, excruciating seconds, she just stared at him like that with an emotionless face… until finally a soft smile blooms on her lips.

“Yes, I guess we are…”

Takashi felt relief at her answer. A part of him — the lonely, sad little boy he never really managed to get rid of no matter how hard he tried — feared she denies that.

“So, I just… wanted to make sure that everything was all right with you," he continued. "That’s all. But I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything… That was not my intention.”

“No, it’s…”

Sasada grimaced. Her wavering words lingered in the air. Takashi waited patiently, but after a while it didn’t seem like any more sound would get out of her mouth. Maybe he really had been too pushy after all... The last thing he wanted was to be even more of an inconvenience to Sasada, so feeling like there was not much more he could do, he grabbed his bag.

“Well then… I suppose I’m going to go now. I just hope that you’re okay.”

“Wait, wait, Natsume! I’m… uh, I’m sorry. Really.”

Sasada ran a hand in her brown hair, her eyes wandering aimlessly around the empty classroom. Takashi waited. She was very obviously rattled; her eyes unable to meet his, her limbs squirming as if she was uneasy in her own body, and her teeth nibbling nervously her lips… But even so, after a moment, she sat down on one of the chairs, and sighed.

“This is my mother’s death anniversary today.”

The sentence fell off from her mouth like a rock in a well. She said this so abruptly that it completely threw Takashi off guard.

“O-Oh. I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. But, it’s just... That’s why I’m a little… distraught, I guess.” She chuckled warily — a laugh without joy.

Takashi felt too stunned to be able to add anything. He felt as if his brain stopped working for an instant, his mind completely blank, and he could only stare at his friend like an idiot.

“That’s pretty stupid," Sasada continued softly, gently. "I always think that I’m over it, that it doesn’t matter anymore now… or not as much, at least. But then, every year, it’s the same thing, and I…”

Her voice trailed. She sighed again and looked down on the floor. Takashi didn’t know what to say. Didn't know if he should say anything at all. He hadn’t ever heard Sasada talk about her dead parents before — aside maybe from that night at the old school building when she told him about her mother's memento she had lost. A memento that had meant so much to her that she had been infinitely grateful to the youkai, Shigure, who had found it, and that she had came to found him every single day for a year just to thank him.

“Um, tonight,” she began again in a small voice. “Tonight we’re supposed to go visit Mom’s grave. With my stepparents, I mean.”

“Oh…”

She chuckled a little, her eyes still refusing to meet Takashi’s. “To tell you the truth… I don’t want to go. I never want to go. Not because it’s too hard or anything, it’s just… I think there’s just no use.” She shrugged. “My parents are dead, and going to their graves won’t change that fact. I’ve never been a religious or superstitious person, so to me it’s just useless to do that. But Chinami… my stepmom, she always insists for me to go, she says it’s important, so…”

The birds started to chirp a little louder, as if they wanted to give their everything before the sun goes down. Takashi wasn't really surprised with what Sasada was telling him — she had always seemed like a fairly grounded and pragmatic person.

“Anyway! That’s… how it is,” Sasada suddenly concluded, bringing Takashi back to reality. “So, you see. It’s nothing for you to worry about. Just... boring stuff.”

“No, that’s… I mean…” Takashi stammered, then smiled gently.

“I’m glad you told me. Thank you.”

“Eh… Y-You don’t need to thank me for that…” Sasada said, seeming a bit flustered.

She let out a sigh, then finally, for the fist time in what felt like forever, her eyes timidly looked at Takashi. He could see that she wanted to say something, but was indecisive about it, her mouth just hanging open in doubt. At last, though, she bit her lip and managed to demand in a small voice:

“And, you… I mean, you probably… know this pretty well, right?”

Takashi blinked, and stared at Sasada curiously. “What? Why?”

“Wh-Why? Well, because…” She seemed taken aback, and suddenly extremely fraught. Takashi didn't understood the reason until she muttered bashfully: “Because… your parents…”

“Oh.”

He then felt a bit like an idiot. He had not even thought about his own parents until now. Sasada narrowed her eyes.

“You… never talk about your parents. I mean, your… biological ones.”

Takashi didn't answer. He felt his entire body tense up, and hated it. She was right. He never did talk about his parents. But that was because there was nothing to say, really. He had no memories of his mother, and barely any of his father. What could he say about them?

This was kind of strangely funny, now that he thought about it, that he somehow managed to learn more about his mysterious grandmother who died years before he was even born than about his own parents.

“Is… Have their death anniversaries passed already?”

“I don’t know.”

He replied to her a little dryly, and regretted it immediately. It was almost as if they had exchanged places, with him being the hostile one and Sasada being the one who tried to get him to talk. To rectify his slipup, he offered her a vague, timid smile.

“I, um… I don’t know when they died. I mean, not the exact dates.”

Sasada stared at him as if he had just told her he thought the earth was plate. Or that he could see youkai. “You… don’t?”

“No…”

“But, you… you never, like, asked?”

“No.”

“You’re not curious?”

Curious? He didn't think he even ever asked himself that question... Takashi raised his head towards his friend, and smiled gently.

“I guess not. I just never really… thought about it.”

"But, uh... When do you go visit their graves, then?"

"I... don't."

"Wh-What?" Sasada seemed even more shocked, and this time she didn't even try to dissimulate it. "You never went to their graves?"

"No..." Takashi's eyes fell on the ground. “I guess it’s like what you said earlier. They’re already dead anyway, so… I never felt the need to... go visit them.”

Sasada stared at him, an intelligible look in her eyes. Takashi suddenly kind of wondered who was taking care of his parents' graves. Maybe some of his relatives. But a part of him doubted it. None of them had ever seemed close enough to his parents to do that. So their graves were probably just abandonned by now, left alone to decay, like his old home had been until recently.

“I think that… when I was a child, it was... too painful for me," Takashi continued absentmindedly. "The simple fact of thinking about my parents... used to make me choke. And it wasn’t like anyone would have actually brought me there, anyway...”

He had blurry memories of his father's funerals. Of a dozen of gloomy grown-ups he didn't know all in black whispering things behind his back. Of not realizing quite yet that the kind man with who he had been living with until now was gone forever.

It was possible that, at some point, one or two of the guardians he had back then had asked him if he wanted to go visit his parents at the cemetery. But even as young as he was, he could clearly see in the adults' eyes that it was a bother to them. The last thing he wanted was to be a bother to _anyone_ , so of course his instant answer was no. He didn't think he would have been emotionally able to actually go to their graves, anyway. Maybe because... if he had, it would have completely shattered the small hope that this was just a lie and that one day both his dad and mom would come back for him. Maybe because it would have made everything a little bit too _real_.

He looked back at Sasada, who was just staring at him silently. Why was he saying this, all of a sudden? Why to Sasada, of all people? He wasn't really sure. Despite the fact they saw each other every day, he certainly couldn't say the both of them were pretty close. It would likely make more sense for him to talk about this with Tanuma or Taki, or with Nishimura and Kitamoto. But none of them were here right now — it was just him and Sasada. And strangely enough... he felt sort of comfortable with her. Maybe it was because... out of everyone, she was the more able to truly understand what he was going through concerning his parents.

“So… ever since their funerals… you never went to visit them?” Sasada said slowly with prudence, as if she was talking to a small wounded, frightened animal that could run away at any moment. “Not even once…?”

For some reason, Takashi’s throat suddenly tightened, and he felt as if he had trouble breathing. He even had difficulty to just nod slowly to Sasada’s question.

The young girl frowned, and looked away towards one of the classrooms’ windows. Takashi caught sight of a small blob with two big black eyes which was very obviously a youkai — but of course Sasada couldn't possibly have seen it. She seemed to be deep in thoughts, and Takashi didn’t try to disturb her. The sky was getting darker and darker by the minute, and a brief concern about making Touko and Shigeru worry crossed his mind.

He wondered if his birth parents would worry about him like that if they were alive too. If his mother would fuss over him and bake him cookies like Touko. If his father would help him out whenever he was in a pinch like Shigeru.

He wondered... if his parents actually watched over him, right at this moment, and what they would think of him.

He wondered if maybe Reiko too watched over him...

Suddenly, after what seemed to be hours, Sasada stood up from the chair she was sat on.

“I think you should ask.”

She talked with authority in a strong voice, so it seemed she was back to her usual confident self. Takashi blinked at her, incredulous. “What?”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s none of my business, but… I think you should ask. About your parents’ death anniversaries, and… I think you should go visit their graves, too.”

“But… you just said you thought there was no meaning in doing that…”

“Yes, yes, I know what I said. And, well, I still stand by that. But, it’s just that…"

Sasada sighed; almost in frustration. She crossed her arms and bit her lower lip.

"You know, up until now, I’ve never met… someone like me. I mean, someone who... lost both of their parents like me.”

"Oh... well... me neither..."

That wasn't actually completely true. He did meet a few orphan kids like him when he was younger — during the brief period where he had been sent off to an orphanage. But it wasn't like he had managed to really know them much, and honestly, he really didn't want to talk about that period of his life at all.

"And so, well... It's just so weird to me to think you never once went to their graves. It doesn't sit well with me... Just the thought of never once having visited my parents' graves... I can't even imagine it. Have you, like..." She stopped, and swallowed.

"Did you ever managed to... mourn them?"

Memories of when he had gone back to his old house with Nyanko-sensei — his very first home, the one where he was born — came back brusquely to him. Recollections of his father floated in his mind; his kind voice calling gently his name. His mother's garden with the flowers she planted there.

And how much he had cried and cried on the porch of this obsolete, deserted home, so much his head ached and his throat felt dry.

Never had he ever cried so much like that in his life.

"I... I think I did..."

Sasada stared at him with an odd expression — sadness, maybe. Or nostalgia. He wondered if she believed him, though he couldn't really blame her if she didn't. He had only told the Fujiwaras and Tanuma about his visit to his old home, and even then it was only in bits and pieces; not because he didn't trust them, but because it felt... a little too personnal, too intimate to share. Because it was something he wanted to keep to himself, maybe.

Though to be honest... he didn't even really believed himself either. How can you tell you truly mourned for someone? How can you tell you mourned enough?

Maybe Sasada had some sort of a telepath gift he didn't know about, because the next moment she approached him slowly, delicately took his hands in hers — a little clumsily, a little warily — and then she said:

“Getting over a parent’s death is not… something you can do easily. Trust me, I know that perfectly. Maybe you can… never truly get over it. You just... learn to live with it, I think. Well, maybe it's true for everyone who lose a loved one... And, obviously, learning to live with that is different for each person..." She inhaled deeply.

"Though, in your case... I think it'd be good to visit your parents' graves."

She tightened her grip just a little bit. Her hands were small and plump, but warm nonetheless.

“Sasada, I don’t know if…”

“That’s okay if you think it’s too hard. I’m not telling you to... do it right away. You can take all the time in the world. And… you’re not alone in this, either.” She smiled. “You have your other parents to ask for help too, right?”

Takashi felt a bit embarassed, and although he couldn't see his face, he was certain he was blushing. Whenever someone called the Fujiwaras "his parents" it made him feel awkward. It made him want to protest, to say he wasn't their _real_ child (even if, of course, inside him he always wished he was, actually, their real child.)

“My... My stepparents helped me a lot with that. Still help me. So you shouldn't... feel bad or hesitate to ask Ms. and Mr. Fujiwara about that. And…” Sasada looked away. “Me, and Taki and the others… we’re here too. If you need support… then you can ask anytime.”

Takashi didn't reply. He didn't know what to say to that. He kind of felt like crying, though thankfully no tears actually came out.

Finally, Sasada let go of his hands, and chuckled nervously, her own face now also visibly flushed.

"W-Well, in any case, I think you should _really_ go now."

"What... uh, what about you?"

"Ah, I still have some work to do. Not much, but I don't want to go home until I finished. So, uh, yeah. You go. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ah... Sasada."

The girl turned around while humming a long "Hmm?" and Takashi managed to offer her a soft smile.

"Thank you."

A smile which, despite her embarrassment, she had no trouble returning.

After that, Sasada told Takashi he should go home, but he refused and instead insisted to stay here with her. Despite her reluctance, she let him help her finish some of the paperwork she had to do, before they could, finally, leave the school together.

It was the first time Takashi went home with just Sasada like that, as usually the rest of their little band was also there. The sky was almost completely dark, and Takashi felt guilty because he knew Touko was probably very worried by now — but at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to regret staying so late at school. He felt a bit lightheaded, sort of dizzy, and it had been... nice, to talk like that with Sasada. It was also nice now to chat with her about random, normal things — a conversation that was at the complete opposite of the heavy one they had had earlier. He hoped Sasada thought it was nice too.

When he finally got to his house, dinner was almost ready. Nyanko-sensei greeted him with his usual annoyed glare and his claims for food, and Touko with worried questions but relieved, warm eyes. When Shigeru arrived and they all sit down to eat, Takashi couldn't have felt more happy and safe than here with his parents. The family he had been robbed off as a child.

It wasn't until two weeks later that he finally decided to take Sasada's advice. After taking some time to gather his courage, he discussed with Touko and Shigeru about contacting his relatives to know where his parents were buried and their death anniversaries. Both of his guardians proposed to call them in his place, but he insisted to do it himself.

It was a quiet, pleasant evening basked in orange when he made the call, just like the one where he had talked with Sasada. This made him think about her. His uncle's voice made all of his muscles tense up at the same time, but then he felt Nyanko-sensei's warm and soft fur rub against his leg, which was enough to give him the push he needed to manage to get the answers he seeked.

His mother and father had been both buried in a small cemetery near his hometown. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but then again Takashi never even thought about it before. The dates of their deaths were random, ordinary; they didn't add much more meaning.

He didn't know when he would be able to visit them. Maybe he could do it in a month. Maybe in a year. But either way, it didn't matter much. Because ultimately, he knew he wasn't alone anymore.


End file.
